Marriage & Endometriosis

In sickness and in health.

When I was younger I imagined a life as uncomplicated as could be, the career, the husband and the kids. It was the idea of a traditional marriage with the benefits of modern woman rights and freedom to choose. I imagined my husband walking in the door after a long days work smiling at the image of his pregnant wife just finishing off the preparation of a beautiful meal. When I turn around I see him standing there admiring the joys of his life and smiling as he savors the moment. It is a moment of perfection in my mind. However, life never turns out the way we planned and it`s far from perfect.

Relationships are challenging without the extra burden of a chronic condition. There will always be disagreements, sacrifice and compromise. After all, you are living for two no longer one. When you make a commitment you agree to deal with the baggage coming from your better half, your ball-and-chain, your partner for life. The baggage can be old or newly developed. My newly developed baggage came in the form of endometriosis. It was not what my husband signed up for. Yes, we say in our marital vows, ' in sickness and in health', but no one ever imagines the severity of the sickness or guessed that it would be chronic. When we think about it we all think, obviously I will be there for my partner- this is easier said than done. It is not just the illness that adds to your list of spousal duties, it is the personality change that occurs when one individual is dealing with a health condition that affects daily life.

A wife`s experience with Endo - "a shell of a human being"

In my experience it was challenging to smile through my pain and be this positive, patient, kind and loving human being. Endometriosis causes severe fatigue, so I did not have the energy to always listen to my husband or see things from his perspective. I lacked patience to do anything, because all I wanted to do after work was eat, wash up and sleep. I wanted to avoid any stress as much as possible, to breath a little before the next day began. It felt like I could not catch my breath between a stressful job and the job of a new wife. So listening to my husbands complaints or negatives in his day just drained me more. I know it sounds pretty selfish , but being in so much pain every day on Gods green earth was absolute trauma for me. I cried so much because I had to force myself to work 8am to 4pm despite my pain. I knew we would not be able to afford our very simple lives on one salary alone. I had to plan our meals daily despite my fatigue, because lets face it, not all men think ahead when it comes to the kitchen duties. I had to be a supportive wife despite the fact that I had nothing left of myself to give. I felt like a shell of a human being who was running on the wheel of life with no way and no option to get off.

The Husband Perspective - "His damsel in distress could not be saved."

After lengthy discussions with my husband I got to understand his side of everything that pertained to our marriage. Firstly, seeing me in pain everyday with no way to remove it permanently made him feel that he failed me in some way. His damsel in distress could not be saved.

On the other hand, he felt like he could not freely speak to me about what he was feeling in general. He felt it would burden me more or make me upset so he avoided this all together despite me pleading to hear his heart. It turned out that him not communicating his feelings was old baggage from before my endo diagnosis.

There were days that I was absolutely miserable, exhausted both emotionally and physically with the accompanied pain. I became abrupt in the way I would speak because sometimes just speaking was exhausting. You tend to become easily annoyed when you are constantly uncomfortable. Some questions just seemed stupid and unnecessary to validate with an answer. So when he saw me in this state he felt as though I was fighting him and he was the problem. He was not.

The Affair - "It began before my struggles with endo."

So... the painful addition to my life and my story. My husband felt like he could not speak to me about the loss of his colleague prior to our marriage because my insecurities would make me question whether he had feelings for this woman. My initial reaction in his period of mourning was not supportive and shocked him. So he confided in another woman. I woman who needed his help at some point in a professional setting and a woman he could save from her suicidal depression.

For months they spoke and developed a relationship. Until a year later I received a call from her while sitting at my desk at work. She claimed that she had an affair with my husband all through my wedding and my endometriosis struggle. Not knowing who she was and having confidence that my husband would never do such a thing I dismissed her. That was until I asked her for proof and my life was and forever will be shattered.

Despite our insensitive reactions to each other, fights and generally common marital problems, we had a good life together. We laughed and cried and did so together. We were a team with deep loyalty. We were bonded for life, but yet he allowed a woman to prey on him in his weakest moments and shared with her what should have been mine. After seven years together I lost my love and my life.

Our ending was not caused by endometriosis, but that certainly added to our ability to be there for each other and communicate better. We needed intervention, but it was too late.

I would advised couples dealing with endometriosis to start counselling. I feel that therapy can be a way to reduce the tension and keep the communication lines open with each other.

Whether or not there is hope for us, I don`t know. The pain of it all is still new to me and will take significant time and therapy for me to comprehend how my first love and husband betrayed me.

This was a very painful story for me to share, but I do this in hopes of helping other woman out there know that you are not alone in your struggles and despite tremendous physical and emotional pain you can have a life worth living.

A life after endometriosis and after marriage!